Praise then darkness, and creation unfinished

mrissa asked people what kinds of compliments made us feel uncomfortable. She had a poll, including the option "other, which I will discuss in comments":

Things that make me feel odd: compliments thatseem to be based on a massive misreading of the universe. (For example, if someone were to compliment my spoken French, I would conclude that they either were trying to flatter me, or knew little or nothing about the subject—my vocabulary is minimally workable, my grammar minimal, and my accent problematic. I get by, but it's because native speakers are good at hearing their language. Or, possibly, that this was code for "thanks for being willing to make an effort, and for asking, in French, whether I speak English rather than assuming everyone on the planet does.") [adrian_turtle points out that she compliments my French, because it is better than hers, and useful when we are traveling together.]

Also, praise for things that really do seem either like something everyone does—anything that feels like "Oh, redbird, how delightful of you to breathe oxygen!"—or like basic minimal decency such that it might be appropriate to praise in a five-year-old, especially one's own child, but not from one adult to another. That's the difference between someone remarking on my picking up trash a third person left—which is worthy of praise, though doesn't demand it—and praising me for not throwing my own empty snack wrapper on the ground.

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the_siobhan posted about dealing with people who are eager to take sides, either about her behavior or more generally, and about wondering whether some of those people have access to information she doesn't:

It may be less E.S.P. (or nonverbal communication/information, such as interpreting things from tone of voice, posture, or how someone smells) than that you have a greater tolerance for uncertainty than average. That discomfort with uncertainty leads people to adopt (not necessarily consciously) algorithms that will get them an answer quickly. Algorithms that can be as bad as "believe the first person you talk to" (or, equally fallible, "believe the most recent thing you've heard or seen") or "always trust doctors, even on matters completely unrelated to their medical training."

I don't know whether I'm as skeptical as you are, but I'm certainly capable of saying "I don't know" on some topics, the Simpson trial being a good example.

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This was in response to a bit of a friend's Wiscon report (friends-locked, so I'm not mentioning zir lj handle):

Walking back to the hotel, C and I had our arms around each other, when a guy came out of Tutto Pasta and said he and his friends had seen a lot of unhappy looking couples walking by and when they saw us they wanted to know why we looked so happy. We weren't quite sure what to make of it, but he seemed well meaning.

I've been asked that or the equivalent a few times and am never sure of what to say either, though "just lucky, I guess" is at least a harmless answer. "I found the right person" isn't helpful either, and there's usually not specific good news that I'm prepared to share with strangers (if someone were to ask that right after I or my partner had gotten a new job we liked, sure, though I realize that someone can have that happen and still be grumpy at their partners).

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brisingamen was thinking about reading, which got me to thinking about both the importance of reading, and the ways that, much as I still value it, it's less immersive for me now than it was when I was a child or adolescent:

I've never had one of those relationship discussions, but it occurs to me that when PK says something like that, he may not be thinking of reading as something separate from himself: most people wouldn't respond to "nothing is as important to me as you are" by asking, or thinking, "not even breathing?" or "what about your left arm?"

I don't get lost in books nearly as much as when I was a child or teenager (though I am still capable of missing my stop on the subway, or getting on the wrong train, because I'm deep in a book). Some of that may just be that there are so many books, so many words, already in my memory, and the new book runs into them. That's not the same as the sort of trained reading you're talking about here, but I think it's connected. (I have some of that training in reading, though not as much as you, nor as recently.)

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In response to shweta_narayan, who was describing a recent conversation elsenet about race and stereotypes in writing:

Tangential, but I wonder how the sort of person who asserts "stereotypes exist for a reason" would react to "Yes, and the reason is that people are lazy, and stereotypes are harder easier than observing and thinking." (I am reasonably sure that rephrasing that as "...people like you are lazy..." would raise the temperature of the conversation; I do not know whether it would help the point get across.)

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A comment to supergee, who found a reference to Paul Linebarger in a book about book collections, mostly because I like the phrasing here:

Does it say something about me that I'm more intrigued by the pile of anticommunist comic books in Mongolian?

I've seen drawers full of bras (mostly at shops: I don't own that many at once,so they can live with my socks and underpants), and I've never seen an anti-Communist comic book in Mongolian, though their existence is not profoundly startling.

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In response to a comment (in rivka's journal) about "normal person drag" and surprising people who assume one must be mundane/ignorant of their fandom:

Part of why I wear something resembling normal person drag (really normal women don't have visible hair on their chins) is that it's important to one of the Things I Do, which is be the person who provides useful information like whether this train goes to Newkirk Avenue, and sometimes even where to buy breakfast in a particular neighborhood or whether someone can return a purchase. Two languages readily available, bits of a third sometimes pulled out if necessary. It's a small and valuable piece of community building and maintenance.